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My name is NOT Tracy - Eddie Izzard Quotes

My name is NOT Tracy

Eddie Izzard

 
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel! - Eddie Izzard Quotes

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

Eddie Izzard

 
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

Eddie Izzard

 Restaurants
Never put a sock in a toaster. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we? - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

Eddie Izzard

 

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance.

Eddie Izzard

 Drugs
And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes… - Eddie Izzard Quotes

And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…

Eddie Izzard

 Office
And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes… - Eddie Izzard Quotes

And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…

Eddie Izzard

 Office

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash' - Eddie Izzard Quotes

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny
But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know? - Eddie Izzard Quotes

But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?

Eddie Izzard

 Kids
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny
But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!”“Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”

Eddie Izzard

 Dogs
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny History
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

Eddie Izzard

 People

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Coffee Funny
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex:

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

Eddie Izzard

 Girls

"Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that."Cake or death?""Eh, cake please.""Very well! Give him cake!""Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice.""You! Cake or death?"Uh, cake for me, too, please.""Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?""Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry...""You said death first, uh-uh, death first!""Well, I meant cake!""Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"

Eddie Izzard

 Death
And the National Rifle Association says that,

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…

Eddie Izzard

 People
What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard? - Eddie Izzard Quotes

What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?

Eddie Izzard

 
‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought,

‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?

Eddie Izzard

 Ideas
I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die

Eddie Izzard

 Evil
You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... - Eddie Izzard Quotes

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...

Eddie Izzard

 Catholicism
And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

And they always find in archeology “a series of small walls.” Every time, a series of small walls. Everywhere you go. “We’ve found a series of small walls, we’re very excited… I think this proves they had walls in olden days. They were very small, and… a series of small wall people.” And then someone comes along, very learned, with glasses, “Of course, the king and queen entertained here… 1,500 courtiers, and there were soldiers, 20,000 soldiers in this room, and elephants dancing hopscotch over there… A mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo, buttocks and aqueducts into a heater…” And you’re just watching, and going, “You’re making this up, mate! You’re just pointing at a series of small walls, going, ‘there, there… Tutankhamen playing banjo in there…’ Don’t know if it’s true.”

Eddie Izzard

 
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying,

I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"

Eddie Izzard

 
So my choice is 'Or Death?'. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

So my choice is 'Or Death?'.

Eddie Izzard

 Choice
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”

Eddie Izzard

 
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.”

Eddie Izzard

 Eyes
ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. Bye! I love you - Eddie Izzard Quotes

ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. Bye! I love you

Eddie Izzard

 I Love You Love
I'm a one-man idiot - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I'm a one-man idiot

Eddie Izzard

 Man
And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

And there’s others like taxidermist! You can’t just go, “Oh, I was just working at the chip shop, and I just started stuffing animals with sand,” you know? You’ve gotta want to be! “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. (mimes stuffing an animal) I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”

Eddie Izzard

 
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there! - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!

Eddie Izzard

 Action
PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

Eddie Izzard

 
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny Police
Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.

Eddie Izzard

 Sexuality
Twang him into a tree! - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Twang him into a tree!

Eddie Izzard

 
We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”

Eddie Izzard

 Television
Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb! - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

Eddie Izzard

 
Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.' - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.'

Eddie Izzard

 
He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh - Eddie Izzard Quotes

He was a genius. To think all these years on his comedy is still making us laugh

Eddie Izzard

 
Imperial Soldier: Oh... I... Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir... they're here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they brought a flag. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Imperial Soldier: Oh... I... Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir... they're here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they brought a flag.

Eddie Izzard

 
Excuse me, do you have a pencil? - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Excuse me, do you have a pencil?

Eddie Izzard

 
‘Cause,

‘Cause, ""Cake or death?"" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.""Cake or death?""""Eh, cake please.""""Very well! Give him cake!""""Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice.""""You! Cake or death?""“Uh, cake for me, too, please.""""Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?""""Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry...""""You said death first, uh-uh, death first!""""Well, I meant cake!""""Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!"" Cake or death?""

Eddie Izzard

 
‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought,

‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, ""Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!"" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it?

Eddie Izzard

 Ideas
You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home? - Eddie Izzard Quotes

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

Eddie Izzard

 Home
I'm an Action Transvestite - Eddie Izzard Quotes

I'm an Action Transvestite

Eddie Izzard

 Action
It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope… - Eddie Izzard Quotes

It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…

Eddie Izzard

 
[Mock singing] “And shall my sword sleep in my hand…” [Speaking] “NOT a good idea, you’re gonna roll over and cut your bits off.” - Eddie Izzard Quotes

[Mock singing] “And shall my sword sleep in my hand…” [Speaking] “NOT a good idea, you’re gonna roll over and cut your bits off.”

Eddie Izzard

 
Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun...Film at 11. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun...Film at 11.

Eddie Izzard

 
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon. - Eddie Izzard Quotes

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

Eddie Izzard

 Sin
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